This is my second post in my series called, “Living with Contradictions”. In this post, I want to talk about self-compassion, because it’s one of those topics, many of us feel conflicted about—often because self-compassion is confused with self-absorption.
With words like “selfie” now being included in the dictionary, and the invention of front facing cameras and “selfie-sticks”, it’s hard to imagine how any more focus on self would be helpful or necessary.
But unlike self-absorption, self-compassion is a healthy focus on self. When the camera is off, and we are unplugged from social media, how do we actually see ourselves? If no one “likes” our pictures or comments on our social media posts, how do we feel about ourselves? How do we talk to ourselves in the privacy of our own thoughts?
Asking our self these kinds of questions help us understand what kind of relationship we have with our self.
A healthy focus on self doesn’t have a self-indulgent, self-serving focus, but a focus of genuine interest and care. It’s easier for most of us to be kind, gentle and patient with others then it is to be kind, gentle and patient with our self.
Yet, we spend more time with our self then we do with any other human on the planet, so how we feel and think about our self is really important for our mental health.
…we spend more time with our self then we do with any other human on the planet, so how we feel and think about our self is really important for our mental health.
Imagine the following scenario with me:
You are driving in rush hour traffic on a major highway. You are already a half hour late for a job interview, and your gas tank is on empty. Can you feel the stress? Now imagine someone is sitting in the car with you, blaming you for your lack of planning and rehearsing all of your shortcomings, not just from today but from years before: “You are a loser! How could you be so late for an interview? No one will ever hire you! You can’t even remember to put gas in the car! Remember when you were late for your last interview because you slept in?”
Many of us recognize that critical passenger as our own self-talk.
Let’s re-imagine being stuck in traffic, late for the interview, with no gas in the tank but this time, imagine the words being spoken to you are words of reassurance and kindness such as: “It’s not your fault that traffic is busy today. Maybe next time it would be helpful to leave earlier, and check the gas sooner, but there will be other job interviews, and you will be better prepared next time.”
When we are able to soothe our self with kind words, we are practicing self-compassion. Self-compassion isn’t about denying reality. It’s about treating ourselves like we would a good friend.
If you struggle with self-criticism or perfectionism, learning how to offer compassion to yourself is an incredible discipline to learn and practice. There are lots of great resources to help us improve the way we speak to ourselves. One practical workbook is “Mind over Mood” by Dennis Greenberger (with lots of exercises to help identify thoughts that are worsening your mood, and replacing them with more helpful, self-compassionate thoughts). And of course seeking out a therapist, who can support you in learning how to be kind to yourself is another great step.