When Christmas Hurts

Recently, I took some time with my family to set up the Christmas tree. As I pulled the ornaments out of the box, each one brought different memories. I laughed out loud (literally) at some of the ridiculous ornaments we keep only for sentimental value, like the “well loved” elf my husband has had since childhood. Other decorations reminded me of when the kids were little and still enjoyed making homemade ornaments with construction paper and sparkles. Other ornaments brought sad memories, like the tiny pair of baby shoes that mark the year we had a miscarriage. Holiday traditions as simple as setting up a Christmas tree can bring a flood of memories and feelings.

 For people who are grieving, traditions can be especially difficult at Christmas time. Holiday traditions are shared with people we love and they are embedded with so many memories. When someone in our close circle has died, these simple traditions that once brought us joy can become a source of intense pain. While it is impossible to avoid feelings of grief and loss, it is possible to reduce the intensity of sadness and loss often experienced over the holidays. If you are missing someone this Christmas, I hope you find the suggestions below helpful as you prepare for the holidays:

1. Be patient and kind to yourself as you approach the holidays.

It is normal to experience deep feelings of sadness and loss, and it is common for those feelings to intensify as we approach the holidays. Give yourself extra time and space to process your grief, and reach out to others around you if you need extra support.

2.  Find a cause to invest in.

There is a saying, “Grief is just love with no place to go”. When we love someone, that love doesn’t die with them; it remains alive in our hearts. The challenge becomes not knowing what to do with all of this love. At Christmas time, we may be used to buying gifts for our loved one, but we no longer have that person to exchange gifts with—reminding us of our loss. Some people find it helpful to find a cause that honours the memory of their loved one. Giving time or money to a suitable charity can be helpful, as it gives expression to the love in your heart.

3.  Create new traditions.

Grief changes us. We are different people from having loved and lost someone near to us, and sometimes it is helpful for us to change our traditions to create a new normal. If you have a holiday tradition that feels unbearable in the absence of your loved one, don’t do it. Instead, consider doing something new… possibly entirely different. Having something new to look forward to can sometimes create a healthy distraction and make the pain of loss more manageable. If it’s in your budget to have a destination Christmas, the change of scenery and new experiences could be exactly what you need to get through the holidays. Sometimes, even a small change can be helpful. For example, if it has been your tradition to exchange gifts with your family, it may be a nice change to invest in an experience instead. You can avoid the gift exchange by treating your family instead to a night out at the movies, a dinner, the theatre, a weekend away… whatever your family can afford and enjoy. Creating new traditions can help alleviate some of the added sadness old traditions often bring.

Most important is to find what works for you. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. You may have your own ideas coming to mind even now. It may be helpful to take some time to create a Christmas plan that works best for you and your family.

While it may feel like a tall order, may you find peace this Christmas.

Three Tips For Better Conflict Resolution

Many couples fear that experiencing conflict is a sign that their relationship is in distress. However, this is not necessarily true. Healthy individuals bring their whole self into a relationship; their values, their tastes in music, and even some “annoying habits”.  Sometimes the very things that caused you to fall in love with your partner, can become a source of conflict over time.

It is not the absence of conflict, but how conflict is resolved that indicates the health of a relationship. When couples learn to resolve their conflicts well, it can actually increase feelings of closeness and intimacy between them.

Sometimes it’s helpful to establish a few ground rules before engaging in conflict with your significant other. Below are 3 tips that may help you work through your next disagreement:
 

1. Ask for clarification.

Sometimes the message your partner is sending you is not the same message you are receiving. It’s easy to jump to conclusions and assume the worst of your partner. Many times, we hear what our partner is saying through our own distorted lens and may read a tone or an intention that was not intended by our partner. When we take the time to ask for clarification, it communicates to our partner that we are listening and gives you the opportunity to better understand their intended meaning.
 

2. Don’t interrupt each other

When partners agree to give each other “equal airtime” to express themselves, it fosters mutual respect. When you offer to let your partner voice their position, they will be more likely to listen to your perspective in return. When we speak over our partner, we are sending the message that our opinion is more important than theirs. This tends to “escalate” disagreements and often ends in one of two ways: a shouting match where neither partner feels heard or understood; or one partner will shut down while the other does all the talking. Either way there is no resolution. Giving each other the opportunity to be heard, helps both partners feel valued and strengthens the connection between them.
 

3. Take a “time-out”

When your partner says something that triggers an emotional reaction in you (as only a partner can) take a moment to pause before you respond. If you feel your heart racing and your jaw clenching, it might be wise to let your partner know you need a “time-out” before you can finish the conversation. When we respond in anger, we are more likely to do or say things we will later regret. Anger creates a lot of energy that is better burned off by taking a walk or a trip to the gym. It’s important not to use a time-out as an “escape hatch”; conflicts need to be resolved, but they are more effectively resolved when both partners are in a calmer state of mind.

While disagreements are inevitable, sometimes relationships need the extra support and guidance of a professional counsellor. If you need help reconnecting with your partner, call me for a free phone consultation. I have training in emotionally-focussed couple’s therapy and can support you in regaining or strengthening your connection with each other.

True Story

There is a tendency in human nature to want to hide our brokenness and struggles. We want others to believe the image we present on social media: that our lives are full of fun outings, pumpkin spiced lattes, exotic vacations and happy, smiley family gatherings…

It feels good to be “liked”.

But there are pieces of ourselves that we don’t share as easily. Most of us don’t post about the times we cry ourselves to sleep; the times our anxiety robs us of the ability to leave our homes; the moments we rage at our spouse; the seasons when our grief feels as though it will swallow us alive; the times we give in to our secret addictions, and the times we wonder if we can find the strength to get out of bed to face another pain-filled day…. Social media doesn’t tell even half of our true story.

Shame tells us to hide our stories of brokenness because others won’t understand.

“Shame hates it when we reach out and tell our story. It hates having words wrapped around it- it can't survive being shared. Shame loves secrecy. When we bury our story, the shame metastasizes.”

-Brene Brown

Researchers have discovered what they call the “pratfall effect”. They found that when someone who appears perfect does something clumsy or makes a mistake, we like them more then if they had remained “perfect”. There is something about seeing the humanity of others that causes us to identify with them in a way we otherwise cannot. Something inside of us says, “Yes! I can relate to this person!” We realize we are not alone in our brokenness.

As a counsellor I am inspired by the courage of people who are willing to bravely share their stories with me. As someone who has reached out for counselling myself in the past, I understand first hand the feeling of shame that tries to prevent us from sharing our private pain with someone else..

It takes incredible courage to silence the voice of shame. Yet, when we find the strength to become vulnerable and share our story with someone we trust, shame cannot survive it and healing can begin. It is a freedom we can’t experience any other way. It might be painful and embarrassing, and it may even feel worse at first, but it marks the beginning of a journey toward healing.

If you have a hidden part of yourself that you know needs healing, may I encourage you to push past shame and talk to someone you trust. Find people who you can be vulnerable and open with.

If counselling is your next step, please know that I will  hold your story as a sacred trust. Your confidentiality is extremely important to me, and together we can move toward the healing you deserve.

In the video below, Brene Brown says "the definition of courage is to tell your story with your whole heart." It is well worth the 3 minutes to watch.

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